


the three times anders worried ren hawke

by butchrenaryuugu



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Blood Mage Hawke (Dragon Age), Mage Hawke (Dragon Age), Nonbinary Hawke (Dragon Age), Other, Red Hawke (Dragon Age), takes place during act iii, this is so canon divergent but anders deserves the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:41:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23321119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butchrenaryuugu/pseuds/butchrenaryuugu
Summary: tw for suicide, nothing actually happens but it's discussed heavily-----ren hawke seriously misreads signs from anders and being the seriously caring fuck that they are, they try to take his problems on head-on.
Relationships: Anders/Hawke (Dragon Age)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 11





	the three times anders worried ren hawke

“Did you ever think about killing yourself?” Anders asked Fenris.

Ren didn’t remember the rest of what the two of them said, but that phrase was clear in their mind. For the rest of the day, they thought about nothing but going back home with him and asking him about it.  _ Anders, what the fuck? Are you okay? No… that can’t be the right thing to say…  _

It ran through their head thousands of times before they arrived at home. Ren held their tongue even when they got inside, got changed into their nightclothes, fed their dog, went to sleep with Anders. 

_ I can’t let you do this I can’t let you die I can’t let you kill yourself I can’t I can’t I can’t-- _

Except that they didn’t sleep. They tossed and turned in their lover’s arms, in his warm, reassuring embrace. Eventually, Ren sat up in their vast bed, holding the covers close to their chest. They curled up tight, trying to comfort themselves, when Anders noticed and looked up at them with those wide, sad eyes he always had when he could tell that Ren wasn’t well. He knew what to do. He always did, sitting up with them and wordlessly wrapping an arm around them. They leaned into the healer, soft hair brushing against his bare shoulder. 

“What’s wrong?” Anders whispered, slowly feeling Ren’s hair.

It was only then that Ren found the words they needed to tell him.

“Anders,” they said, cupping his face with a hand, “you are so, so, so important to me.” And tears were starting to form in their eyes. “Your life is so important. I know you may not think it, and maybe you do, but no matter what, I need you to know this.” Ren pressed a kiss to Anders’s hand. “Please don’t throw it away.”

“I love you,” was Anders’s only response. His eyes acknowledged what Ren had told him, but they didn’t know if they got through to him or not.

“I love you too,” Ren breathed out. “Let’s get some sleep. Please?”

Anders pulled them down from where they sat, holding one of their hands. They fell asleep tangled up in each other, safe and sound. They were almost all each other had, and neither would dare let go of that.

* * *

When Anders asked Ren for that favour, to collect the sela petrae and drakestone, for the second time, Ren was worried sick. Not because of the favour itself, but because of what Anders said to accompany it.

_ I knew you’d stand behind me in this. Even if…  _

_ You would not thank me if I told you. _

_ I promise: whatever happens, it’s on my head. It will not come back on you. _

Ren said nothing about it. Nothing they could do could change his actions, right? It was useless. They’d still try, they would watch him and make sure nothing could happen to him. They swore it. They swore they wouldn’t let him be taken away like what happened with everyone else they loved. 

Kirkwall’s Champion had never been religious, but the first time they were alone that day, Ren prayed. They prayed to any god,  _ every _ god that would listen, for Anders’s safety. 

* * *

  
  


The next time Ren visited Anders at his clinic, they saw Varric there as well.  _ What is he doing? What are they doing? Those two never hang out together,  _ they wondered, daring to walk closer. What the mage saw nearly stopped their heart. 

Anders was  _ giving his embroidered pillow to Varric. _

He would never do that. He would never… what? Why? Ren had a million questions, a million things to say, but they couldn’t piece together a sentence. All they felt was a pit in their stomach, a sinking feeling that told them that  _ Anders is going to die, Anders is going to kill himself and he has it all planned out and you’re useless and there’s nothing you can do about it  _ and all they can do is helplessly call out to them and answer what they think is a cry for help.

Ren sprung forward as soon as Varric left. There were already tears in their eyes, and they didn’t even process it. When Anders looked at them with those wide eyes, the ones that he had every other time Ren was noticeably upset. What they couldn’t tell was that there was fear hidden behind them.

“What’s wrong?” 

Ren pushed Anders into the back of his clinic and held his hands tight, looking up as tears spilled from their eyes. 

“Anders, n-no,” was all they could manage to sputter out, taking heaving breaths that couldn’t be calmed.

“Ren? What’s wrong, my love?” 

The Champion sank onto their knees, trying to get the words out, starting then stopping and all over again. They felt awful that Anders had to watch them do all this. It was embarrassing. The healer just held their hand and wiped their tears, crouching down in front of them.

Once they were ready, Ren looked up into those sweet, hazel eyes. 

“I know what you’re planning, Anders.” At this point, they couldn’t stop the tears from coming out. “Please don’t do it.” Their voice turned into a whisper. “You can’t do this to yourself.”

“What? What am I… what am I planning?” Anders asked with worry in his voice. 

“ _ Maker _ , don’t make me say it! You can’t die like this, you can’t.” Ren was shaking, holding onto Anders as if for their own life. 

Something flashed across Anders’s face as he deciphered everything that had happened over the past few weeks, and he wore a look of horror that reflected in Ren’s eyes. It was a truly fearsome sight.

“You… you think I’m going to kill myself?” 

Ren choked back a sob, nodding fervently. 

Anders did something in between a sigh and a deep breath, running a hand through his hair. 

“My love, I can tell you what I’m going to do, but you cannot,  _ cannot _ tell anyone. Nobody can know. Nobody.” Anders’s voice was low, making sure nobody even outside the door could hear. 

Ren seemed to be even more worried, but they nodded, taking their lover’s hand as they stood up. “Can we-- can we please-- please go back home?” 

Anders wiped the tears from his lover’s cheeks, nodding. “Let’s go.” 

Upon arriving at the Hawke estate, Anders hastily pulled Ren into their shared room, closing the door. While their cohabitants would usually assume they were getting down and dirty, like they did very often, this time the worry was so obvious in their paces and the energy they radiated that the direness of the situation was clear.

“Ren, my love, this is not your fault. I promise.” Anders bent over slightly so he could look directly in the armoured mage’s eyes. 

The aforementioned Champion nodded, consoling their love by wrapping an arm around him to feel his hair.

Anders sighed more heavily than he ever had before and told Ren every bit of his plan, knowing they wouldn’t dare leave him because of it. They held him, kissed his hands, looked deep in his eyes and silently told him how much they loved him all through it. Oh, how badly Ren hoped that Anders was telling the truth. They knew, deep down, that he couldn’t lie about something so grand if he looked this sure of it. 

That night, both apostates got the best sleep they’d had since Anders moved in. Ren was incredibly relieved, just so terribly worried earlier, that a few minutes of confession helped them let it all out. They hated the Chantry, good for Anders that he was going to destroy it. 

The best thing, for both of them, was that neither one would have to hide. They would do it together, and when it was over, they would do whatever they needed, for themselves, and for each other. Nothing could change that.

Nothing could tear them apart.


End file.
